I believe that God has a plan for all of us. I believe that plan involves me getting my own planet.
Well actually I don’t. I just like quoting musicals. Plus, it got my little brain ticking away. I have reached the ripe old age of 27 and I haven’t got a clue what I want to do with my life. Whatever my ‘plan’ was supposed to be has somehow managed to pass me by. I had thought by now, I would have found my ‘purpose’ and I’d be smashing it. I’d be an unstoppable female force for change in whichever industry I had chosen as my own. Instead I have spent tonight eating too many Love Heart sweets, chugging down too much apple juice and throwing up in my mouth a little (kidding!- kind of)
My problem? I have a list a mile long of things I want to do yet no follow through. I can never decide what it is I want to do first and I certainly can’t work out if any of it is actually any good.
Ever since I was a child, I tried to be the best…
So what happened?
When we are young we are always asked what we want to do when we grow up and for some people those early ideas stick. From age five onwards it’s so important to everyone else that we work out our place in the world. For me, it was an archeologist and a vet then an actor, a writer then a director and don’t get me wrong, I reckon I’d still love to do any of those things but when I think about my passion, what I want to do until my mind and body doesn’t allow it any more, I don’t have a damn clue.
We spend so much time worrying about what lessons to take, which colleges we want to get in to and working hard to get somewhere in life but none of that should matter unless we are actually getting enjoyment out of it. I have never known what I wanted to do. I think I just want to do too much and my brain can’t figure out where to go first so it short circuits. It’s that feeling that you get when you have so many essays to write or so much revision to get through that you panic and binge watch all four seasons of Sherlock instead.
Recently my sister told me she wouldn’t class me as a creative person and although I don’t think she meant it to be a negative thing, I took it that way. I have been writing stories, scripts for potential tv shows, plays, podcasts and generally jotting down ideas for such things for as long as I can remember yet she seemed pretty adamant that I wasn’t a creative person.
Maybe being creative isn’t part of the plan for me or maybe there doesn’t need to be a plan. Maybe our lives don’t need to focus on a pre-designated destination of where we need to be in ten years. Sometimes we could be happier doing something we never expected than just following the ‘plan’ because that’s what we decided we were supposed to do when we were sixteen. I mean, who doesn’t think their sixteen year old self was a complete moron anyway?
I don’t have a set plan for the next five years of my life. I don’t know where I’m going to be or what I’m going to be doing because I want to be doing loads of different things. I used to think that if I got to thirty and hadn’t worked out what I was doing with my life, I was pretty much gonna work in retail and hate the world for the rest of my life but actually, I think I’m happier not knowing right now. I’m free to experience whatever it is I want from my career and my social life without knowing that I have to follow the linear path of progressing in a job just because I told myself I would. If I stay in a job it’s because I genuinely want to be there, not because I owe it to the ghost of my teenage years (who was, let’s face it, a complete brat anyway)
(TY Book of Mormon for bringing such laughter and joy into my life, sorry I destroyed part of your lyrics to serve a purpose on my blog, I promise it won’t happen again.)